You Definitely drank the goldfish bowl like it was a giant margarita
Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
My mom just told me that after i turned eight i stopped growing mentally and emotionally
Ya I fucked her.. But now Melissa is gonna find out
Just tell her that in a man's never ending war between his heart and his dick... His heart never wins
Apparently "he pulled out..mostly" is not a valid reason for thinking there's no way i can be pregnant to the nurses at the student health center.
Day 8 of being sober: Sniffed an empty beer bottle at a restaurent and almost licked it. This is not working
My dad told me my only assignment from now til graduation is to not die. it's a legit concern for him.
I told him if he wanted to lose weight he had to learn self control. Less than ten minutes after that I ate a cookie off the floor...
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
currently googling "apology gifts for when you poop on their floor"
Just bailed on her the best way possible. Got tickets to the game. Only issue is.... if we lose, we not only lost, but I skipped sex to watch us lose
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
You ever just SEE a guy and know he's good at choking someone out?
It's 3 am.
There is an episode of "how it's made" on tv right now. The subject is tequila and water beds. Basically my life.
He showed his fake to the cop and was like "does the coloring look off to you?"
Randomize
