I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
I think "bars open christmas minneapolis" is the saddest google search i've ever done.
So I guess I passed out face first on the ground while trying to grill last night
Oh, I made pasta salad in the throw up bowl. I hope you don't need that for the next few days.
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
You puked on my feet last night. You owe me a pedicure.
He always takes me to get taco bell after we hook up in his car. It's sort of become a booty call tradition.
Xanax and an ambien. And wine. I'm just waiting for mouth to mouth from some hot EMT. Sort of like the slutty girls version of sleeping beauty
this one kid was speed-mumbling about putting broccoli in the printer
I went from naked with lasts nights hookup to Ihop in 6 minutes flat
I think that's a new house record
I ate vegetarian today, so I deserve a beer.That's my justification.
It's like you're the voice of my soul.
I really have to stop having sex with people I sell drugs to...it feels unprofessional
You gave my cousin a blowjob and are facebook friends with my mom. Is there a name for this level of friendship?
After the 2nd person threw up, you told us that your 'mint shooters' were just shots of mint mouthwash
Randomize
