we are driving next to a guy driving and masturbating while looking at a naked magazine. I love LA
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
It's my fault there's ramen coiled around his penis.
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
Just keep my face away from hard objects. And by that I do not mean erect penised.... those are totally fine. It's more just things like rocks, table edges, blunt objects, etc so I don't get another concussion.
So Monday we're lesbians.
Deal. This decision is final and any rebates on this will result in losing an eyeball.
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
I just drove by a stop sign that had a used maxi pad stuck to it WHAT THE FUCK
So what happened? Or does sex + ramen pretty much cover it?
Eating power bars and masterbating... That's kinda my life right now. Is this what having a boyfriend means?
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
Why do we always have to be the people who get blamed for animal intoxication incidents?
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
we cut you off when you started chasing with your slim fast shake
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