walked right past julianne moore (on her walk of shame this morning) god i love new york. :)
Because of no shave november, it's no boys december... pay back
I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
She just took the bottle of jager to the bathroom and locked the door. Now I hear the water running..if the house floods she's paying for it
he proceeded to grab my vagina through my leggings in the middle of the dance floor. strangely enough I was okay with it
All I wanted was a hug. You dirty, dirty whore.
I'm thinking about wearing a strap-on just to freak him out the next time he pulls my pants off.
Ate a live seahorse, then tried to order a nacho bell grande from an ATM.
How the fuck do you get to keep practicing as a Nurse.
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
I can't ever look his wife in the eye again. She will see right through my soul to his dick pic.
Remember when you gave their 80 year old doorman a line of molly at 5am?
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
Ahhh, the bane of our relationship.... His mediocre penis
I didn't have any choice but to cuddle you. Your hair was stuck on my nipple piercing.
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