I want to kish your cheek
My cheeks are in Michigan
Oh my lips are kind of stretchy
and then he ordered a "diet and rum" like the most important part of the drink was the diet.
tequila makes my crab dance SOOOO much better
Day 3. Will have to postpone job hunting by a month. May have blown out my knee. Was sunburned on Friday. Now look painted red. Still alive. All worth it.
this is the second time in my life i thought i might need to go to rehab. im including all the mornings that i wake up in dewey beach as "the first time"
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
Just did a drug deal on the toy aisle at walmart, Merry Christmas
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
Pitting the remainder of the bottle against my hangover. I'm expecting an all out cage match for my soul and wellbeing.
No one likes a giant penis on their phone screen. I mean cmon. I'm a lady.
I woke up to his balls in my face, so naturally I limboed under him and headed to the bathroom. When I came out he was asleep on the floor.
We were sad, then we got horny, and then we needed some ranch
this is gentle reminder #1 not to forget to bring the vibrator when you come
When did we go from stumbling drunk into an ER at 3am to dinner double dating?
Randomize
