I don't care if he is my ex... I have the deed to his dick until someone else fucks him. We broke up 2 years ago.... I am still holding that deed!
Goddamn it, are you fucking her sister?
did you know it's going to storm tonight?
You bitch. At least tell Laura she's a better kisser.
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
Drinking with birthday clown in the backyard shed at a 5 year olds birthday party at 12 in the afternoon. My life doesn't need any adjustments
The lego bong didn't work. Just made us look stupid
Just write off about 10000+ brain cells and 6 months of your lifespan.
Sounds like a normal friday night
Our neighbors just passed us a blunt from their deck, and are hooking us up.
I just baked them cookies. We're friends now.
We were kinda loud so his roommate woke up and to make up for it he invited him to a threesome. I can't drink whiskey anymore.
So changing channels while she's on top is frowned upon. It's back to thinking about baseball again.
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
I mean...he danced with his dick still inside of me. What more could a girl ask for?
Apparently swingers are magnetically drawn to me?
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
sorry about your sharpie. alex wanted to shave the left side of his body so he had me draw a line over him with a ruler
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