I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
I told him that he could only go home with me if he didn't talk or tell me his name
So high. I just took a picture of my chewed gum so I can remember to paint a picture of it as a cloud later.
She started to rub her ass on my shoulder and i instantly thought "i am going to get E. Coli"
all i know is that i listed him in my phone as 'vagina cookies.' that can only be a good thing.
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
Just drank an entire bottle of champagne for lunch. It's gonna be that kind of semester.
That girl is nothing but trouble. She's 40% red hair and 60% daddy issues.
His penis is small and he doesnt like Harry Potter. HE HAS NO REDEEMING QUALITIES WHAT AM I EVEN DOING HERE
I can officially say I had a blunt rolled on my ass
You just want to live out all your fuck fantasies with all these girls through me. I know your game. Well played sir.
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
We were walking to the bar with a group of people and literally made 4 stops in people's lawns garages or random walls for him to eat me out
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
Randomize
