You kept referring to your penis as "this guy."
I said i love rain, just to change the subject, and he said 'id like to do it in the rain'. Dear lord. He doesnt stop
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
Seriously I just dipped a banana in vodka I really need to stop drinking
I'm not a horrible person, I just see what everyone chooses to politely ignore.. And occasionally say it aloud whilst deeply intoxicated.
Well I can't go home with anyone tonight bc I stuffed my bra
I'll take "things you shouldn't say to a guy you just met in a bar" for 100!
he really is such a sweet guy. it’s a shame i have to break his heart.
He held my hand in public and I nearly came. Like he needs to be inside of me yesterday.
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
I'm sitting here with a band aid on my labia, this is a first
So I had Xanax for breakfast & I'm probably going to fuck my tennis instructor.
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
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