who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
I'm totally counting that party when he kept putting his hands down my pants as a date.
It is virtually impossible to listen to single ladies and perform any seated task.
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
you do realize that we pretended we were worms for like 10 minutes and inched around on the ground, don't you?
I gotta bail on the cookout tonight. Im at the er getting stitches. Re-enacting porno went horribly wrong.
This is the moment in my life where I take a fork in the "nice guy" road ive traveled for 23 years and fuck everything in sight that doesnt have herpes, or is in-between flare ups and I don't know about it until my dick is on fire.
Fucking finally I'm about to die from sobriety over here
That's because "bed time" is my sex playlist. If you're trying to fall asleep use "nap time"
Just to update you. I am dead. So your probably gonna have to find a new roommate
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
He just showed up on my porch naked with just a blanket and a trash bag
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
Can't decide if it was more awkward buying sheets together or disposing of them afterwards
Tell him to put up or shut up. Can't be dangling dick in front of ho's without delivering.
It's just disrespectful
Randomize
