I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
i get of class at 4. it takes me 17 minutes to walk home and 3 to load a bowl. thank you, priority registration.
what the fuck is a social media consultant, who does she consult for, and how bad is she at it? her facebook account is currently hacked and posting ads for the ipad 2 on my newsfeed
She said " I'm going to get her back one day soon for putting extacy in my pop while I drove her to whislter" just a heads up.
You Just stopped dancing, looked at me and said "I'm gonna make it rain" Then shook the open box of crunch berries everywhere.
I'm like 80% sure we nearly got arrested because we threw fireworks at a car
I mean I love some drunk compliments, but he just wasn't up to my low standards.
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
hes that one kid that offered to spoon after staring at me for 5 minutes
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
Thanks for coming over. I'm sorry everyone else was vomiting. Thank you for not vomiting. I love you.
The Game of Thrones convention was just a drunk fuckfest.
Please tell me you banged Jon Snow.
I just named someones junk. I should not be allowed to talk to people.
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
Randomize
