Nope, didn't see her. We left when you told us you were going to make the " big beef burrito supreme" even more supreme and you took your dick out.
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
Just wana tell you im wearing assless jorts tonight. Ive been waiting my whole life for this.
I'm gagging in the liquor aisle just thinking about how much alcohol I'll be drinking this weekend.
You working tonight?
Keg. Hottub. Wearimnh a 8th graders bikini. Mess
Man I'll cab it I'll be sloshed by then. There's turtles involved
Remember when you fed me goldfish while I was -inside- of someone?
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
I'd rather blow Nickelback than be told he gave me gonorrhea. I'd even post it on Facebook for all of the world to like, share, and judge me.
i need to put some appletini on your dick
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
I fucked a marine... I told him it was like personal revenge and he said he could live with that and that he didn't mind being used.
when the cops came she just started yelling at them "Fuck the police! freedom of speech bitches!"
Randomize
