I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
I just googled dawgpound, shoulda seen that pornsite coming
70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
Dude apparently i ran into the middle of a half marathon last night and some how won
I offered to go to AA with him...not because I am admitting I have a problem but because I want to see what they are saying about people like us.
What ever happened to the whole 'innocent until proven guilty' thing. Like 'not pregnant until proven pregnant'. That's how it should be...
Mass text to all of my back up boy toys. First one here wins. Mama needs some.
Ps we ordered a pizza at the pool today and I dropped the entire thing in the pool. We still ate it. #canthang
You threw up in a empty pizza box at Pizza Hut and opened the door with your face. So that maybe why it's bruised.
I'm full of champagne and rage, of course I'm showing up at his house.
So my booty call knows your bf. Apparently they were in jail together
Blizzard, Hour 9: I'm 7 beers deep and have finished Ninja Turtles. I am listening to the NYPD and Nassau Fire Dept pipes and drums and writing new drum scores in my head, which I may or may not remember tomorrow
he's the only real guy friend I've had who I've never made out with
So I thought you might like to hear how I went to sams club to print some pictures and suddenly there was 20 pictures of your dick and my snatch on the screen
Well hell, he's gotta sleep in the bed he's made. Multiple times. For multiple girls I'm sure.
Randomize
