Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
just dropped my bong into 7 pieces, and carried the glass shards around my house. dad saw the blood dripping down my arms, and asked if i slit my wrists. way too high to laugh at this.
Pre-game strategy: play thunder by yourself in the shower. Surprisingly, success.
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
I dont feel as bad coming home this baked because I gave my 14 year old sister a no drugs talk last night.
BTW. If I show up really drunk and dressed a cowboy, don't be alarmed
STOP TELLING PEOPLE I PEED ON YOU
they sound like some classy girls.
Hey, I don't give them daddy issues, I just take advantage of it. The real bad guy here is American parenting.
how the hell were we supposed to out run the cops in a bus?
she dared me to make out with the amish dude so I went up to him and grabbed him by the beard
GRABBED HIM BY THE BEARD
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
Thank you for dog sitting, there is $60 on my desk to be spent on DRUGS AND/OR GAS ONLY not that food stuff people crave.
Basically, I am an endless fountain of unconvential sexual experiences and knowledge.
You kept saying, "please sir, can I have some more."
Randomize
