I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
i dont care if i have to wear a pillow case, there will be an open bar at my wedding
On a scale of 1 to last weekend, how hungover are you?
both the worst and best vomit ever... it was extra chunky and thick cause of the sausage... but it also tasted like delicious sausage... also cause of the sausage
His bookmark is a piece of toilet paper. No shame there.
I hope this adventure ends at a hospital
So fucked up. Can't tell if I'm starving or about to puke. Playing it safe and eating froot loops. Tasty in, colorful out.
Way to high for badminton right now. This is gonna be a shitshow.
That was nice of you. Thank you for respecting the fact that I got cockblocked by a sophomore last night.
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
Sitting here reading the internet and all i have to show for this summer is a shitty tan and the possible case of clamidia.
definitely just forgot to put car in park in front of a police officer and ran into a bush.
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
Randomize
