I'm half single.
Please tell me it's the bottom half.
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
all i remember thinking as i was puking my intestines out is : wow.. this toilet does look like it's from the future.
we knew you were done when they played It's All Coming Back To Me Now by Celine Dion and you started crying
How does "I'm not drinking tonight" turn into body shots?
I made him breakfast and we cuddled on the couch watching march of the penguins, which is, in case you were unaware, the opposite of fucking on a pool table
Oh thank the gods of upholstery, i thought that was never coming out...
I have a weapon and I'm not blacked out. Good as gold
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
The Winnie the Pooh costume was great until you got drunk and started yelling at the kids asking for pictures.
After he finished he sang his college fight song like it was some victory
Last night all you did was whine about how you needed something new and exciting
Is THAT why I woke up with dreadlocks?
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
I mean you can one up her. Instead of ruining friendships you can ruin marriages.
He walked into the bar with a pineapple and they served him AND the pineapple
Randomize
