Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
There is something about drinking on a golf course and getting with younger women that just really makes me feel at home.
Is it weird that I miss finding cum in my bed?
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
He kept his baseball cap on when he went down on me...
my left tit made it into the crop job on your profile pic, I knew it was good for other things
No, I don't just love you because you have big boobs. I just wouldn't visit as often.
I think that's the first time Navy dress blues and a Ninja Turtles onesie have been involved in the same makeout.
I think I just cured my dogs munchies
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
Getting drunk at 9 am is not a super power.
...is this motivational speaking, or sexting? It's getting hard to tell.
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
my penis made a compromise with my morals
Randomize
