At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
he was like Britney Spears in bed.. a little chubby and too medicated to perform.
i suspect the closest i'll get to a valentine this year is a 16 year old on chat roulette asking me to show my tits. step up from last year, i guess.
Legit I think I might have gotten hepatitis C from licking the window of that last cab.
I recommend just blowing him. It's always the way to go.
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
Apparently I took one a huge picture off the wall at the bar and was walking around dancing with it..
So as a result of a tragic manscaping accident I've had to shave all the hair off of my legs. The result is... not great
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
I gave up great shower sex to be here so don't say I never did anything for our friendship.
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
She is still drunk from the night before, sitting here eating KFC mashed potatoes and drinking Arbor Mist before Anatomy lab.
in the future we should consider sippy cups so we can drink and passout accordingly
so i went over to her house and we played crash bandicoot, ate calzones, and had sex all day. im in love.
Randomize
