Manager just farted into the intercom. Whole place heard it. A number of people stopped everything and looked at him. Best. Night. Ever.
well he has a gf so if he picks me up tonight i'll only him finger me
She was crying, alone at a college bar. It would have been rude NOT to try and show my penis to her.
the amount of times i have wished for a boxed wine emoticon is almost alarming. almosttt
If you could smell my eyes you'd understand the whole story
While all the other girls were trying to out skut the next, Cameron was just doing cartwheels around the bar. I think she's the only one who got laid.
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
If you're wondering why you have playpen balls it's because we stopped at chuckie cheese on the way home.
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
I think you should do the fixer upper relationship. Like lawyers do pro bono work with underserved populations, you can do pro bono relationship work.
This text constitutes a formal request for sexual congress under the terms of our Relationship Agreement.
You're a FUCKING ASSHOLE. Love mom
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