Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
Do you know any thirteen year old jewish kids? I'm looking for a party.
At this point, I really just need a sign in sheet for my vagina.
he was definitely TRYING to give me herpes.
Dude he was a used car salesman for his friends' penises. I know I have something here that's right for you!
If you're wondering why you have playpen balls it's because we stopped at chuckie cheese on the way home.
Apparently I'm not allowed to call at 3am anymore and ask to speak to all his siblings. I was just trying to get to know the family
From one hot mess to another... Get it together.
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
She kept calling herself DJ McDonalds and said she wanted to make some Egg McMusic.
He told me that his greatest skill was making White Russians.
Mom saw my dick pic over my gf's shoulder. She told her she really should've had me circumcised.
from across the room i saw you look into your beer and whisper "i love you"
What do you mean you haven’t had the fantasy of getting anally penetrated by a tentacle monster?
Randomize
