He showed me a four inch blond hair that grows out of his side. He calls it his little ray of sunshine. Please come get me.
I think it is impossible 2 take a person seriously when their last name is Pancake
Well he told me I'd never be a wizard, and so I responded with you'll never have a big penis. After that we both just sat there and cried.
Well if he truly loves me he will just have to accept my flaws. And that includes a tequila dependency and borderline lesbianism.
She's "threw gas on the fire to put it out" drunk. Come retrieve ur gf. Ps she smells like burnt hair
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
Can I just say that you're probably one of my favorite people to have sex with and then eat hummus with at 3:45am?
Drunk texting with my high school teacher. This hurricane is bringing out the best in everyone!
He told me that before I went to bed I needed to do my stretches and then processed to demonstrate a squat thrust, while completely naked.
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
If I got paid for every bad decision I've made I would be one rich bitch by now
Oh yeah, you are a real peach except for shitting uncontrollably and bleeding out of your face.
You probably shouldn't do that...but if you do take pictures
You'll never fully grasp an awkward walk of shame until you run into his mom while you're trying to sneak out. Then to make matters worse you have to ask her to mover car because it's blocking you in.
and I lost my effing shirt.
I just woke up and I don't really remember anything past 1pm. How much am I missing?
A good 10-11 hours. You got laid twice. Also, you out-ran a cop and played football with a lamp.
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