I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
I know its small, but please -- stop calling it my "weenis".
He uses pillows to masturbate.
You can tell alot about a person by their poo.. For example, he was a smoker.
Drank beer out of a hotwheels bucket all night
I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
Most likely. calling 911 isnt usually something i do the first time i hang out w. someone, but hey. its a good story now.
broke the door off of my fridge tryin to have a indoor rodeo
Living room floor. I asked him to give me a back rub. He did. And smoothly transitioned that to foreplay, then basically threw me on the floor. My vagina hurts. He deserves another Christmas present.
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
when you come over can you bring tequila and my birth control? Thanks girl!
Randomize
