Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
that ring i bought was worth the 6 bucks. wore it to the bar, told some girl i was recently divorced and wasnt ready to take it off. just got laid. THRICE.
He looks like he'd be great Lego character.
P.S. It's common courtesy to let the girl your banging know if she's about to walk into the same place your girlfriend is at so she can get her poker face ready
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
Oh no. Not her. Her personality clashes with mine in ways that would make me wanna beat myself with a stick.
I may not be his cup of tea, but I bet I'm his 10th shot of tequila
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
I had a dream last night that I met Diplo. Now I'm just sad
He must be a special kind of stupid to cheat on a women who works at a funeral home. Does he not understand you can get rid of dead bodies easier than most Americans?
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(
My vape juice got mixed up with the astroglide.
Wow..I bet that tasted bad.
Not tasted.
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