barbara walters just said penis...
then she came back into the room with a neckbrace on. i thought she was getting ready for the pounding of a lifetime.
is it bad if my mug shot looks better than my profile picture?
On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
After four attempts, his condom would not flush. I had to remove it with salad tongs.
He puked on the grill while the burgers were on. We had to go to taco bell
I wish a box of wine came w a hose. It'd be so much easier to drink from.
i woke up the next morning in a pool of blood in my bathroom and a pinata donkeys head in my bed
so much for an anticlimactic 22nd birthday
He tried to tell me that he could handle his liquor better than "all the bitches in this town." AS HE THREW UP. ALL. OVER.
I fill condoms, not promises.
I just wrote the Drag Queen from Saturday Night on FB and apologized for licking her. Weirdest thing I have ever typed...
I mean, if there was a version of you with a penis, you'd fuck it...right? Like just outta curiosity at least
I feel bad for her. If you sacrifice and have a chubby husband I feel that you assume he's not going to cheat on you....
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
I cam home to find him twitching on the floor, surrounded by unopened condoms and covered in cranberry sauce (yes I tasted it) while Thundercats was playing.
Randomize
