can you take me to a tanning bed
sure, why though?
i have to go once so i can blame these herpes on the tanning bed and she won't get suspicious
u just dont fucking get it...you try and cum while your cat is staring at you.
I'm home and safer than post-menopausal sex; you're welcome for the image. And yes, I did just use a semi-colon hammered.
every time i recognize a doctor or patient at the hospital on this rotation, i just pray it's not from my blackout saturday makeout slut moments...professionalism shouldn't count on weekends
He told her, Don't talk. Just sit there so I can imagine that you have the kind of personality I wish you had.
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
yeah I'm sure your grandparents are the best but it's halloween. get a slutty costume and let's go ham.
That makes the second boyfriend of hers that I've fucked. I'm gonna start keeping an eye on every guy she even speaks to. Girl is my sexual rabbit's foot.
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
I spilled beer everywhere which led to an oil fire and me melting a spatula again. And then I was late to class so I explained what happened to the teacher.
I JUST HAD A FLASH MEMORY OF DOING A SHOT OF WHISKEY WITH MY BEER YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO PUNCH ME IN THE FACE TO PREVENT THAT FROM HAPPENING.
Sex obviously provides more sustenance than oatmeal.
Do you know how hard it is to give a bj in your dead grandmothers car
My parents get here at 6 so I have to make it look like a sober virgin lives in my room by 5.
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
Randomize
