Needless to say when I told my parents they loved me less
The jonas brothers playing in your laptop. This is why guys won't sleep with you...
all you did was keep googling "what time is it" over and over and over
U of I kids don't fist pump to Sweet Caroline. Get me the fuck out of here.
Just taught my suite how to queef. I feel like i'm back in 9th grade!
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
This would be a good time for the don't get drunk and bang a married chick pep talk...
Just found a peacock feather in my car. Should I be the least bit concerned about this?
There are so many Jimmy John's employees here
Where are you?
Jimmy John's.
Well I almost walked away with an Irish guy's boarding pass and some south guy's dignity
The heart of my unhappiness in my job is that it's not a place where coworkers and I can draw dicks on everything to amuse each other
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
You just want me for my pizza coupons and my penis.
dave might be using McDoubles to pay for dances
he has gotten at least 7 lap dances out back
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
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