if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
Dude, I'm so high in the forest and I think I'm in a bear den.
we put a pacifier in your mouth because you kept drunkenly singing country music.
My dad caught me fucking in the pool last night. He proceeded to tell me I needed to "quiet things down" while this guys dick was still in me. Worst daughter ever.
Pitchers of shots should be outlawed. I've puked more than i've breathed in the past half hour.
The couch is in the bathroom. I don't understand how that is even possible. I couldnt even fit that shelf thingy through the door. Come help. I am about to pee my pants.
You did a line of free coke with an obese Slovenian unlicensed cab driver in the toilets of the most questionable strip club in the country. New low man.
When you put it like that, I'm inclined to agree.
Either I'm deep cleaning my apartment out of severe academic procrastination or I'm subconsciously nesting and need to take a pregnancy test.
whiskey
stop
tequila
you're fuckin up my ability to be a agrown up
He said he was gonna go pull a lochte and the next thing we know he's outside ass naked peeing in the neighbors kiddie pool.
Hangover or death. Death. I'll have a slice of death please.
I had sex with marker all over my face so I can do just about anything.
He's over here like "remember those pics you sent me a couple years ago? Those were hot." And I'm like "remember talking about what we were gonna name our kids a couple months ago? That was hot." Therein lies the disconnect
I’m going to try to be less of a cryptic bitch this week. Should be nice.
That's a gentle way of saying I passed out like an 18-year-old on his first trip to Tijuana
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