yo I wanna see you, bring that beard of yours
so i realized that everyone figured out i was a slut before i did. then i realized that no one felt like telling me. sometimes i think you just keep me around for entertainment.
you're right.
I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
just witnessed some guy trade his friend $5 and a condom for his keys.
That's okay, during storytime I would have to sit on my hands so I wouldn't touch everyone. Explains a lot...
He tried to give me a shoulder massage while i peed in the neighbors bushes to "make it more relaxing."... I let him... That drunk
What does that mean when you have a child masturbating in your dream? Is that weird?
I could run a drunk marathon in heels
I gave him a bunch of ideas to use to spice up their sex life. Say what you will, I am the best 'other' woman ever!
How about we just fuck in random places all around campus, and skip the boring relationship part?
Nothing says Happy Holidays like sending a picture of your ass to the wrong manager.
in retrospect i think my mom tried to raise me gay
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
Watch out for the bush at the end of your steps. it comes out of nowhere
Randomize
