Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
South Carolina's governor once cited "moral legitimacy" when he was a congressman voting for President Bill Clinton's impeachment. Karma is a bitch.
I just found a Chris Hansen soundboard online, care to guess what I'll be doing all day?
I swear that when I have my own bathroom, I'm gonna lock myself in there and masterbate for at least 3 days in sheer appreciation of it.
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
I think a used vibrator from amazon.com is a great valentines day gift foe my ex.
I wanna die of smoke inhalation. In a huge teepee. Or one of those big things kids in kindergarten have that you throw up in the air then sit inside of.
I gave up yolo and cigarettes for lent. I owe god a sincere apology.
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
Right as the plane left the gate the brownies kicked in. I dont think the guy next to me appreciated my engine noises as we took off
I'm sorry I keep having sex wth your friends. I'm done, for real. Unless cole is interested. Other than that, I'm done.
Today I learned I and my bar naps were the subject of a bar meeting.
Made out with sailor moon tonight. Childhood dreams do come true.
Randomize
