I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
he's chasing his jose cuervo with hot tub water
I saw a sign that said worlds largest frying pan next exit. Way to do your fucking part Iowa.
i dont think my boyfriend knows how much of a pain it is to shave my ass
fyi, if youre wondering if offering a female police officer sexual favors will get you out of a ticket, the answer is no.
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
I now beleive the Trojan Ecstasy ad "feels like nothing's there". They forgot to add "...cause the condom broke."
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
Woke up naked wearing mismatched earrings. Didn't even make it to the bar.
Thank you. I woke up with a beard hair in my mouth. Super classy.
I would just like to say that I had morning sex today to the Hamilton soundtrack. So.
Dealing with people is so much easier after you've had an orgasm or 4.
All I want is a wedding with a dress and a veil and where I can go and my cat can go.
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
if they didn't want us to do blow at uni, why would they make textbooks so smooth?
Randomize
