as for my dating sex life, no more regret sticks. Only pride wands from now on.
She's a freak. I've got the scars to prove it.
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
i woke up next to the toilet with a chipped tooth, somebody elses shirt on, and a random guys id in my pocket
We had fun with our Indiana Jones role-playing until I whipped myself in the dick with my belt.
Would be fun, plus since its in public I'll keep my penis in my pants
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
I met his dad. Turns out he was a one nighter from the nurses conference in Vegas. Not sure how to handle this one.
Clearly, you already have. Both of them.
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
dude his girlfriend left the meanest shit just marinating in our toilet. I'm gonna have to snap chat this out, theres no other option. prepare yourself
I wanted to say, you're welcome for your orgasms, thanks for not returning the favor, Needledick
Your bf is wearing nothing but a cape, I mean absolutely NOTHING but a cape. I know you said he looks like Thor but this is getting a bit ridiculous.
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
Well, for starters, you were growling and slurping beer from a puddle on the carpet. Let's all hope that was beer...
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