Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
An ad on my facebook says "don't be THAT girl". Its like it knows.
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
I need to keep friends like you around just in case hell grades on a curve.
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
literally. a puddle of blood. on the floor. still searching for the source
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
The funny part was that the cop pulled us over cause the park was closed, not because I had just come up from giving the guy a blowjob when the cop drove by.
When he swipes my v card it will be comparable to my bat mitzvah. should I make sweatshirts or sweatpants?
I just want to nap and funnel a bottle of wine in a cute dress
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
How fast can you get here?\nI need to ride your cock into the sunset.
I apparently asked the bartender for a plastic bag and told her I was gunna puke then grabbed two handles from the bar then put the handles in the plastic bag and left.....
What time is our conjugal visit?
Umm...who is this?
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