I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
I had to fart so bad so i let it go hoping it would be quiet, it was loud and shit came out!!! and i couldnt leave because her parents were behind me
Obama is so hot when he ends wars.
Based on her brazillian stubble I would guess her plan had been to wait one more date before sleeping with me. Seems the plan was flexible.
All she was asking was for you to describe your coat so she could get it, but you kept yelling at her so the security threw you out.
she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
I have got to stop making out with redheads. I need to sign my life over to my dad like Britney Spears.
So we just left her at the hospital. She is not ruining my Monday night
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
I have been referring to it as "thanks for getting out of me day" all week. Do you think they will still take me to brunch tomorrow?
did you see me getting spanked by that lady cop who was a guy?
But I wanna cuddle and just put my hand awkwardly close to your penis area by accident and look at you
Yes, yes I will fake crap in his house for you.
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
Eh, it could have been worse. I may or may not have been wearing a jedi cloak while getting my dick sucked.
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