i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
He said his penis was a 1 woman penis with a conscience an I was that woman...technically a declaration of commitment rite?
Dude, seduce him with cookies. You almost turned me gay with scones. Don't be surprised when they get you laid.
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
At some point, it turned less into sparring and more into tough guy dry humping.
I swear to god he's making pineapple onions and cheese. He thinks he's making eggs onions and cheese
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
No, next time he offers you a ride home, ask him about Batman. The result will always be road head.
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
You handed me an unpeeled grapefruit off the frat basement floor and then took a bite out of it.
I like to listen to classical music when I eat taco bell. I think it cancels out the aura of poverty and desperation.
All i remember is looking at the bottle vodka that I was drinking and wondering how it was suddenly empty.
That may have had to do with you chugging it
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
I bonged champagne. And did keg stands. What in the actual fuck am I doing with my life?
Randomize
