Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
After grabbing my boob for a couple minutes he then decides to ask me if I was awake.
There's banana everywhere and your hamster may or may not have stayed the night in the microwave...
Didn't get to fuck her. Had to leave abruptly through window. Explain later.
Whoevers house this is has only beer and cream cheese in the fridge. Thats the diet im gonna go on
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
I would really just like to get laid somewhere that's not on a bathroom floor at this point in my life
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
Everyone is coupling up and I'm just excited the bartender gives me enough attention to order more shots.
Just wanted to share my unfortunate vagina news in the hopes that it would make your vagina feel better about itself.
Throwing up in a storm drain... Not my finest moment.
But my shoes looked boss
I basically spent the entire weekend in bed with that red head.Every time I tried to leave she got me too horny to think straight. I was kidnapped by vagina
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
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