did you wind up at some random place? and do you remember face planting into the fireplace?
i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
This situation is one cop call away from being a Lifetime movie.
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
I gave up on alcohol forever for like 2 hours, that's got to be a new record
For months it was all good and well just having sex. Now, something in me has snapped and I'm dreaming of taking turtleneck Christmas pictures with him. Fuck you, we're going out tonight. I need this.
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
FYI: Brian said he left me in the bathroom Friday night to shower and 45 minutes later found me with a towel around my head, my pants on and holding my boobs. No more Jell-O shots for me.
I have really important information for you regarding the furry convention this weekend
My mother just set me up with the son of the man I fucked last weekend. I could crawl under a rock and die OR I could remember the rules of genetics and hope that JR takes after daddy. Wish me luck...
why did you kick open the doors at church screaming whos ready to party?
What did you spend the night in her closet?
She said she was saving me for breakfast and locked me in there
Randomize
