too bad you live with your parents still
he believed the zit on my nose was a piercing...until he tried to bite it. needless to say he didnt ask for my number
her bridesmaids come in huge, huger, wtf, and free willy. all their gown are strapless. its like watching the Hindenburg waddle down the isle.
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
I just won't go as hard tonight. Four dollar ladies night drink or drown is not a good idea for me. I like to get my money's worth.
If this outfit doesn't get me pregnant tonight I don't know what will...
I don't know what kind of soup they made, but it smells like condoms.
I couldn't find the bathroom last night...so I wrapped myself in the curtains and stuck my butt out the window and peed from two stories up. Thank god I don't remember.
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
I need to find out this kids work schedule. I need mustache rides on my lunchbreaks.
My gut feeling that we had reached a new level of intimacy last night was confirmed early this morning when you sleep farted on penis.
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
Hahahaha .. If it makes you feel better I had a sex dream about a cheeseburger last night so I feel like we both lose.
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
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