did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
Next time when I try to seductively eat onion rings while drunk remind me of tonight.
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
Living room yoga. I'm too hungover to deal with anyone else's chi today.
There something about a girl that pirates lemonade off a restaurant fountain as a mixer that I find intriguing.
don't do it for the experience, do it for the story. now get your ass in that bedroom
So the guy I hooked up with during welcome week just tried to booty call me from across the lecture hall at 9am. I don't think he gets how this works...
We took your mom out drinking and we wound up winning 18 games of Flip Cup. You have amazing genetics.
This makes me appreciate being single with no prospects.
We have angered the beer gods. It feels like I'm shitting angry cats.
Didn't think I'd be dancing with the Power Rangers but here I am
DON NOT, UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES WATCH CLOWN PORN.
Randomize
