last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
I just met the 30 percent of the population with an STD
did u get his digits?
yes his name is chazbangbangbang according to my phone...
Just made hot dog dorito pasta. It happened.
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
The amount I want to die right now is not proportionate to the level of fun I had last night. Not fair.
Well... When your girlfriend fucks your sister, the 2 week courtesy window goes out the door.
i had a long naked conversation with the cop on why is everything fun illegal
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
Just set myself on fire a little bit. Made me think of you.
Let's hurry up so I can puke at home instead of my van
Why can't you just come over, fuck me, then leave so i can get stoned and watch law and order?
His sister gave me the "if you hurt him I will break your neck" talk. I didn't know how to tell her we're not a couple.
How was it?
i think i smell bacon but im to sore to walk downstairs. that kinda night
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