dude im shwasted, kabul is not the best place for this
I look better un-naked...
got some bad news about ur virginity. she didnt make it thru the night
So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
How dare she call you insensitive. Should have told her about the time you let that girl in the wheelchair wearing the sombrero blow you.
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
I just spent a pre-4th of july celebration riding in a raft being towed by a car through a town that I've never heard of handing out flyers for a river rafting company that I never knew existed. Good night.
He's just sitting there staring at my sisters teddy bear hoping it will come to life.
You see it tends to piss fathers off when they find their daughter in the arms of a shirtless guy that neither he nor his daughter knows.
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
i knew my hormones were back to normal when i went to ikea and didn't want to fuck any of the workers
I'm getting paid over-time to sit on reddit and look at dicks and abs all day. I'm really happy right now.
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
I melted cheese on my pizza rolls. When I die make sure someone melts cheese on my rolls.
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
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