Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
Have you ever seen a 300 pound pregnant lady's boob fall out of her shirt cuz she's not wearing a bra? I have.
I'm not working tomorrow. need to take advantage of the last opportunity for weeks of morning sex.
I almost got runover on the sidewalk by a car but wen it got closer it was a crackhead walking with the whole front of a car... bumper, lights and all... I love New York.
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
It would be celebrated in history as "the orgasm heard round the world"
Women are fucking wierd. I have forgotten this. Divorce papers should come with a handbook.
Well you wanna do it now or later? I've had three shots and I'm listening to journey by myself. Emotionally there is no better prime time than right now.
It looks like I colored my belly button red at some point
he fucked me with his goalie mask on. it was like sleeping with Darth Vader
Also, just woke up in a Romney tank and sequin flag panties. Merica.
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
just saw the most amazing side boob. i wanted to hold it.
Randomize
