Oh. Thats cool. Im not dating anyone right now. Sean gave me chlamydia from some GUY he fooled around with. Im being abstinent.
I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
Would it help you get over me if I told you that I had unprotected sex last night?
That chick needs a catscan. And fuck it, we're still ordering in a stripper
My roommate threw his shoe through our window and I came out of my blackout kicking holes in my wall. Pretty sure Edward 80 Hands won't be happening anymore.
I feel like I just tasted lung cancer.
Teflon bitches. Nothing fucking sticks to this kid, not even a kid. Maury Povitched this shit outta that situation.
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
This is my college life. Rolling at 4PM on a Wednesday to skrillex in the parking lot of a mexican restaurant.
I think one of my ovaries is committing suicide. But that is a topic for another day.
U know this is gone far when im in the bathroom trying to take a pic of my asshole
I'm 22 and I'm drinking hawaiian punch from a sippy cup. Everything is right in the world.
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
We stood outside the room listening to them have sex and making meow noises
That's not right, is it?
seriously i don't trust him. he fed me a hot dog out of a crock pot and gave me moonshine dashed jager bombs.
Randomize
