Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
Seeing him suck some chick's face on VH1 wasn't exactly how I imagined the "we should see other people" conversation going.
I spit up blood this morning
That's vegas.
Well i have to fuck at least one of your roommates this year to keep the tradition alive.
i'm glad we've gotten to the point in our relationship where I can eat peach rings off your penis.
Where is a good place to buy a New Year's outfit that acknowledges I don't have tits but screams I suck dick like a champ?
Oh my Christ. I just came so hard my penis stood back up and took a bow afterwards. I need Thai food.
Myy bathroom floor makes me think I'm on Mars. Also. Did you realize that yesterday we perfected thee mind high-five??
he used the hotel microwave to cook the 16" pizza he bought at the walmart deli
He used a "food city great value" card to cut it
I just wanna get drunk in a castle. Is that so much to ask?
I was just trying to be a good friend but in retrospect I probably shouldn't have pepper sprayed you.
she's pretty fucking smug for someone who has had unprotected sex with a convicted felon
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
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