I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
Def slept AT the bar last night, wow that's a first!
dude sorry but u no that when a guys 'likes' ur pic on facebook it only means he was just jacking off to it.
they were having a wine tasting so i tasted every wine...then knocked over an entire display of gourmet olives and was asked to leave... but they still let me buy my 6 bottles of wine before escorting me out
A piece of cheeseburger just fell between my tits. Consider this a "wish you were here" postcard.
She Kept going around and squirting jello shots into guys mouths. That was her ice breaker.
Ugh I miss culture and lesbians already
I can give you five reasons its your baby
and I can give you 10 reasons it's not, but I'm busy so I'll just go with you have the wrong number. And also I'm a straight girl.
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
Will you be super villain lesbian lovers with me for halloween?
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
Spent tonight painting strippers in camo.
There is a guy down by the river wearing a zebra print speedo and a sombrero, with a beer in each hand, screaming "This is America bitches!"
im just letting you know I walked in on you with four different guys last night. a. you were all naked. b. they're all roommates
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