Can someone please explain to me how I got rugburn on my tits?
I feel like i'm in the derek zoolander school for kids who can't read good.
His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
2am update: i think I'm in Mexico but I found a dennys. Everyone but this cute family of 4 is speaking Spanish. Cute family of 4 is helping me out.
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
It was like god placed me in his bed and said," here's your shot girl. Don't mess this up." And I looked at god and laughed in his face.
was it me or did you scream 'champagne motherfucker' when you punched him in the face ??
wine lets you be on time to class apparently
This is a dangerous realization
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
I got pushed into some bald man in the pit and spent the next few minutes with my face against his head. Man I love ecstasy.
The one time my sister did shrooms she thought she was thumbalina. I can't live my life that way
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
Does your balding hurt less when a 19 year old holds your hand?
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
Randomize
