Lets go to the mall and pick up some fat chicks and take them out tonight so we can be the skinny friends
I would make tea from her tampons just to see her tits
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
so you know how I brush my teeth after I give you a bj? according to my dentist my teeth have never been cleaner. looks like this will be a recurring thing
Meet at Walmart straight from work to buy items for hurricane fun. Then blast some wine, make some sex, blast a bowl and cuddle each other till the sun comes up?
That's the most romantic New Orleans hurrication I've ever heard of. Can I have your babies?
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
I had to switch coats with someone at work because you can see the giant sex choke bruise on my neck. Being kinky is hard.
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
I had cheese pancakes which is pretty much just melting cheese in a frying pan and then eating it except youre in denial that your life is a wreck
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
No, not if I told them not to. they listen to me. I have a vagina.
HE WAS CUMMING IN THAT DICK PIC
He hit me with his bagpipe
Isnt that against the lesbian handbook?
hey i'm sure you are probably asleep bc you suck and think sleep is necessary to live or something?
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