so I found out that he is the older brother of a friend of mine from high school
awkward
no it got awkward about 40mins later when he invited me to stay the night...with him and his girlfriend.
I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
her night didn't end so well, both of her boyfriends got arrested... together.
He came over while I was in the ER and hung pictures of himself around my house.
So my girlfriend used a threesome to tell me she wanted to leave me for a girl... Not entirely sure how I should feel about that.
You know, I had the money for a pregnancy test, but at the time, tacos were more important.
I didn't punch him it was just love coming out of my fist
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
It's truly amazing how much porn I can get in while my phones at 1% battery life.
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
Indeed. If boner pill commercials have taught us anything, it's the importance of waiting until the moment is right.
Where else would I get life advice?
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
I wish I just waited long enough to hate someone to fuck one
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
Randomize
