I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
Just mixed Baileys and yoohoo. I feel like an alchoholic 2nd grader.
you're just mad because in the hogwarts world I'm Harry and you're Ron. get over it.
she literally hasn't taken the mardi gras beads off in three days. she showered in them. TWICE.
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
It was one of those "I have no idea if this will ever happen again so I can't say no" opprotunities. Part of me was like, "You slut" and the bigger part was screaming, "Hell yeah"
i just won "most creative" category in the condom contest in human sexuality by licking it onto a cucumber. my feedback forms included three phone numbers, one with a Magnum XL taped to it
I think the fact that I shit my pants, threw away my underwear in a frat bathroom, lost my socks down a drain in the front yard and still got laid... deserves some sort of a victory drink for myself or a blowjob for him since he was such a good sport.
It's now 8:05 on a Wednesday night and I'm already going home with my bra in my purse.
I've got mace and a condom. Ready to roll either way and keeping my pimp hand strong.
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
"Like what guy would respond to 'let's fuck. I've got bagels'??"
Wait an hour then go and untie him. Bring toilet paper and some spare underwear. Want anything from Starbucks?
Randomize
