i fucked some guy last night. i called him nick jonas by mistake. i'm 24.
I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
I guess calling a coworker a lesbian sea cow is some kind of violation.
Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
i have a strong feeling i fucked one of the waiters here...
If theres one good thing that came out of our relationship its this chicken recipe. And squirting.
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
Passed out on the bench in the men's bathroom. Feel much better now.
Dude she hit me with my own penis and it hurt. I've never been cock slapped but she slapped me with my own cock so it has to be worse.
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
I have bite marks all over my ass. Is that an acceptable excuse for missing class?
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
This is the fourth day in a row I woke up with cheetos spread around me in a ritual pattern..this weed is unreal
We walked around last night for hours saying nothing but nom nom nom and barking at each other.
Do you knowhow much it sucks to puke in an automatic toilet? Not fun.
Ew.
It takes talent let's just say that
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