i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
i just shoved 27 marshmallows in my mouth
well thats a nice change of pace from what you normally put in your mouth
you turned on the Care Bears movie at 5am and kept screaming "I CARE"
even in my darkest moments, having another person eat my jizz would make me smile
We stayed in and smoked weed and watched Dreamgirls. We made each other's vaginal lips sing the songs. Mine was Beyonce, hers was Jamie Foxx. I think this is one of those times you're jealous you're not an awesome lesbian.
please tell me i can get drunk off sparkling grape juice. even if you have to lie, please say yes.
Please get rnbert tn get chebk h'm in i'm no dead when he getr gome
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
What do you wear to apply at a strip club?
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
I'm tellin ya, let the nipple get some air, they'll hire u on the spot, lawyers love a little nip
how I know last night was a good night: this morning I found a bottle of tapatio, a bag of chicken and a bag of popcorn in my purse.
Through a complicated series of events, I wound up in the desert with a blue chick from comic-con. we lost peter. if you're alive, please come get us.
Tequila. The ruiner of all good intentions.
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