my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
The girl behind me at the dollar store said couldn't wait to get her permit, then requested a pregnancy test. God I love being home.
I just saw a sign that said "STRIPPERS!!! As seen on Jerry Springer!". As if Springer is the highest honor. I'm pretty sure we're in south Georgia.
Drunk you is everything I aspire to be in life.
When did our fuck buddy relationship, turn into me babysitting his dog?
They were loudly fucking last night and there was way too much conversation involved. It wasn't even dirty talk, it was more like "your doing it wrong" talk
I started crying then my dog licked his dick so yeah.. Kind of ruined the moment.
He was jealous of me and threatened by me. I'm like, just cause I could fuck your girlfriend doesn't mean I'm going to
She's not even my type. She doesn't have a penis or a drug problem
He cried & told me I reminded him off his mother. I don't want to talk about it. I want to drink about it.
He stopped me in the middle of a blow job to call his grandma for her birthday.
At least he has family values.
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
His sister hates me so I took his virginity on her bed
I woke up with a treasure map drawn on my ass. Whattt.
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
I'm too depressed to drink my wine. That is what I would call a serious problem
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